Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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