I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
