I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
