i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
