I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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