i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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