Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
