Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
