Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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