new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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