I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
