that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
