come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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