If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
