Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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