from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
