I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
