He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
