How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
