I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
