We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
