I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
