I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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