I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
