is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
