Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
