Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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