We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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