Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
