i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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