I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
