i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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