I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
