the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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