shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
