My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
