Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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