I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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