I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
