apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
