Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
