we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
