I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
