I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
