You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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