nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
