I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
