If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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