I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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