I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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