Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
