everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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